Thursday, February 11, 2010

Living With Pain


Pain …so much pain

No level!!

Puking Pain-

Spinning pain-

in my muscles-cells

Bones, joints, skin.

Every movement breath touch-filled with pain.

Even the silence and stillness throbbing with pain;

Confusing pain, hopeless pain, lonely pain,

unending pain, confounding pain,

cold, stabbing, burning, searing,

ripping, tearing, crushing,

brittle, frightening,



Fiend, that has been chasing me these long years;

robbing me, cheating me, tricking me,

humbling me, torturing me,

teaching me, strengthening me.

Pain, patiently moving through each element of my body,

crumpling me like tossed and useless aluminum foil,

and molding me into a swan.

You shall not have me.

by gcmoss 10/18/09

Throughout history, humans have always had to fight for their little patch of blue sky. Their patch of land, their woman, their man, their cave, their life. True the enemies of the past had fangs and then spears and then hatchets. Now we have the dangers of stress, drugs, guns, cars and even ink and red tape.

For some of us our own bodies are the enemy. We are torn in a struggle with no place to focus our anger and frustration.

What do we do when our own bodies betray us? The mind and the body cannot be at war; hurling insults and rude comments. Nor is it helpful to give up completely. It is not like humans to relinquish control so easily. But in reconciliation, mind and body can be at peace; facing the onslaught as a united front. How this peace is achieved, is different for each person. I recommend meditation, support of a wise medical doctor and work with a counselor specifically trained to assist those in pain. Even with all those supporting, it may not be enough.

I haven't always appreciated the 12 step slogan, " One day at a time." When I first heard it, I thought it was trite and meaningless. But I have come to a understand the wisdom. This day has enough trouble, or pain in it. I will just determine to make it through this day. Tomorrow is another day. I will face that day when it comes. Worrying about it now, is pointless.

My pain is caused by severe fibromyalgia and arthritis (plus a few other not so fun things thrown in for good measure). It has been part of my life for 30 years, maybe more. I can't think of a time when I did not have trouble keeping up physically with other people my age. Everything seemed like a struggle. I used to love to hike and go on adventures through the woods, two things I can no longer do. I have an electric wheelchair now, so I can go on long nature "walks" with my dog. As long as the path is paved, I am fine. It really is a treat to have that mobility back again. I can use the chair for museums or concerts and feel safe and not be in pain. It allows me to be completely independent in the house and surrounding area. I can do the laundry, dishes, straighten up, walk the dog, visit friend in the neighborhood, shop locally etc.

If anyone wants to ask me questions about it, feel free. I will be honest about the pros and cons.

I have a busy few days coming up, so I may not post. But I will check in. Have a good weekend.

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