Between the Two, My Life Flows

Wisdom Tells me I am nothing;
love tells me I am everything.
Between the two, my life flows.

Indian proverb

In a certain sense Zen is to feel Life,
Instead of feeling something about life.

Alan Watts

Never forget to breath. Throughout the day, I discover that I have been holding my breath; surviving on the minimum amount of oxygen. I have yawning episodes, I feel sleepy, exhausted, bored. My brain, my muscles, my organs are slowly dying from lack of oxygen. There is an abundance of it around me, and yet I am not making use of it. Several times a day, in all kinds of weather I walk my dog. It is during these times I become conscious of my body position, abdomen, and lungs. I hold my upper body erect, draw air in deeply through my nose. I become aware of the smell of the earth, trees, lake, rain, decomposing leaves. I become aware. I pull my shoulders back and breath in again and again as we walk and wonder where my senses have been all day. They have been shut off, turned down, tuned into a computer; all eyes and frontal lobe. Family members wander in to speak to me but I smile and give them no real attention. I cannot stop what I am doing or the thought will be lost. Where am I living? Between wisdom and love, between feeling something about life and feeling LIFE...smelling life...hearing life...knowing life...living life...

This is not our practice life...This is our real life.

Living With Pain

Pain

Pain …so much pain

No level!!

Puking Pain-

Spinning pain-

in my muscles-cells

Bones, joints, skin.

Every movement breath touch-filled with pain.

Even the silence and stillness throbbing with pain;

Confusing pain, hopeless pain, lonely pain,

unending pain, confounding pain,

cold, stabbing, burning, searing,

ripping, tearing, crushing,

brittle, frightening,

maddening,

pain.

Fiend, that has been chasing me these long years;

robbing me, cheating me, tricking me,

humbling me, torturing me,

teaching me, strengthening me.

Pain, patiently moving through each element of my body,

crumpling me like tossed and useless aluminum foil,

and molding me into a swan.

You shall not have me.

by gcmoss 10/18/09

Throughout history, humans have always had to fight for their little patch of blue sky. Their patch of land, their woman, their man, their cave, their life. True the enemies of the past had fangs and then spears and then hatchets. Now we have the dangers of stress, drugs, guns, cars and even ink and red tape.

For some of us our own bodies are the enemy. We are torn in a struggle with no place to focus our anger and frustration.

What do we do when our own bodies betray us? The mind and the body cannot be at war; hurling insults and rude comments. Nor is it helpful to give up completely. It is not like humans to relinquish control so easily. But in reconciliation, mind and body can be at peace; facing the onslaught as a united front. How this peace is achieved, is different for each person. I recommend meditation, support of a wise medical doctor and work with a counselor specifically trained to assist those in pain. Even with all those supporting, it may not be enough.

I haven't always appreciated the 12 step slogan, " One day at a time." When I first heard it, I thought it was trite and meaningless. But I have come to a understand the wisdom. This day has enough trouble, or pain in it. I will just determine to make it through this day. Tomorrow is another day. I will face that day when it comes. Worrying about it now, is pointless.

My pain is caused by severe fibromyalgia and arthritis (plus a few other not so fun things thrown in for good measure). It has been part of my life for 30 years, maybe more. I can't think of a time when I did not have trouble keeping up physically with other people my age. Everything seemed like a struggle. I used to love to hike and go on adventures through the woods, two things I can no longer do. I have an electric wheelchair now, so I can go on long nature "walks" with my dog. As long as the path is paved, I am fine. It really is a treat to have that mobility back again. I can use the chair for museums or concerts and feel safe and not be in pain. It allows me to be completely independent in the house and surrounding area. I can do the laundry, dishes, straighten up, walk the dog, visit friend in the neighborhood, shop locally etc.

If anyone wants to ask me questions about it, feel free. I will be honest about the pros and cons.

I have a busy few days coming up, so I may not post. But I will check in. Have a good weekend.